Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
