My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I will be naked everywhere
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
