I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She's the barista slut.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
