If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
