I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
