i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
