I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
