Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
