Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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