I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
