At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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