just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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