well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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