wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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