Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
