Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
