I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
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The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
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Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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