i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
