i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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