I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
