Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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