halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
