Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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