I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
