when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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