im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
My balls are so social today.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
