I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
