you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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