I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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