something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
