dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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