Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
People in love make me want to vomit
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
