Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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