why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
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Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
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The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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