RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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