waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
