god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
