I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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