no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
