While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
