last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
