I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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