So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
