Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
