Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
