I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
