my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Found the puke drawer
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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