3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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