What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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