I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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