So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
