I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
