How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
