he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
