I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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