3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
