It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
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Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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