He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
